How Women Use Discount Phrases
Hi friends of women in science,
Since we recently discussed women's voices and some people decided to make their voices heard more often in 2011 (see here) it's a good time to think about how we sound. I read on Isis's blog (see here) in late December her resolutions about speaking, viz "A couple of years ago I made a resolution to break myself of the habit of saying, "I don't know if this is right, but..." and "Well, don't you think that....". Every time I prefaced something with one of those qualifiers, I later realized that I was fairly confident in my correctness. I knew the paper in which the work was reported. ... But, every time I began a sentence with one of those qualifiers, I established myself in a position subordinate to those I was speaking to. ... I needed to stop fearing that I would be wrong and have confidence in what I knew. That has made an enormous difference in how people regard me. I think people see me more as an "expert" than they did before." I use discount phrases quite a bit myself and I've been inspired by Isis to stop, think, and admit I know what I'm talking about, if I do.
What do you think?
A I have learned not to say these things
B I never used these phrases but I have heard other women use them and agree that they make people discount women's expertise
C Women don't like to be thought experts; we need to work on the hearer's emphasis on "winning," not on women's desire to cooperate
D I do this all the time and I wish I didn't
Hi FBP and exCS,
I think both the pause and the practice, perhaps through Toastmasters or some other community organization, would be helpful. It's great that we can give each other ideas for things to try on this site.
Cheers,
Laura
Hi Mad Hatter,
I think this may be another case where something that would help women in science would also help men. This double benefit is getting to be a theme on our site lately. Science's efforts to be user-friendly for women could make science a more popular choice for all. Maybe even Republican students? I still don't have a good idea to address that one!
cheers,
Laura
I see you didn't give a choice for a man who is not tempted to use these phrases, but then a man isn't supposed to need them. I have, strangely, heard a few male postdocs do the same thing. I suppose they also don't sound like experts and should use these strategies to get rid of the habit.
A but it has taken years of work. It is important, as hmcbride suggested, to pause before you speak. In the pause, tell yourself, "I know what I'm talking about," and then begin to talk. Without this strategy, your words won't seem worthwhile to those listening to you. FBP
D. I wish sometimes that I had taken speech at some point. Maybe I should join Toastmasters or something. What I think I need is low stakes practice opportunities, so it becomes second nature not to put myself down before I say anything.
It seems like people either hear it and wish they didn't or they've worked or are working to eliminate it. Joanne Manaster, it seems like that secretary did you a big favor, giving you advice that worked for you in that setting and also later on. It's good that people will step out of line to help each other sometimes.
Helen, so many of these issues you've seen a long time ago and addressed. Way to go!
cheers,
Laura
In settings with big science people, like national meetings, I am in the D category. I wish it were not true, but it is. I think this year would be a good time to work on it, though. This Isis comment seems right to me.
A. For almost all situations I make sure to NOT use such phrases and I will say anymore as they were common when I was in my grad training. It's frustrating when I hear other women say those things, because I can see everyone in the room tuning them out. The power of the pause before speaking helps a lot for me to gather my thoughts and be coherent and strong.
But there is an exception. When I am in a meeting with people who have a lot of control over what I do, I may deliberately employ such phrases to let them feel "in control". Manipulative, yes, but also effective in some situations where being the top dog is not valued for a subordinate. Some super macho guys don't like an underling to take over at a meeting, so I may move to the backseat to make him (its always a him by the way) look good. But ONLY if I know there is a quid there I can collect later on...
A.
The best advice I received when I was in my 30s was from a secretary of a man who had been in the business world before academia. He was a pro at powerplays and manipulations. It was insulting he thought he could pull things over on me, which is a little of an aside.
However, this gal said "There is no need to say "I'm sorry for interrupting, I'm sorry for.... etc. with this man. Just state your business or your opinion and be done with it. He will respect you much more." It really changed how I related to others in academia and in business.
I am reticent to speak up, but B is my choice. I can typically speak without discount phrases when I do open my mouth. And yes, I hear lots of other women use them. It's very hard not to think, "This isn't going to be worth considering" when you hear, "I'm not sure about this..." as a preface.
D, but I am getting better. I am aware of how I do this and many women whose expertise I know and trust do it too. I started to get annoyed at them, then realized I do it too!
