What Counts, and When to Count It
Hi Friends of Women in Science,
As I noted in the previous post, I talked last week in Woods Hole, the place where I got my own start in science, and at City of Hope, a place I've gone three times for sabbatical leaves of the most stimulating and rewarding kind. The people I met after my talks included some who wanted to ask, "Is family really so important? What if I want to be a workaholic loner and love just science?" That question surprised me because I had been asked the opposite so often, "Can I be a scientist and NOT workaholic loner?" But I believe there is a welcome in science for those who want to love science alone, male or female. I do feel they are missing out a major aspect of human life.
That was brought home to me this weekend, as my daughter came through well but experienced a very scary automobile accident that totally destroyed the car in which she was a passenger. Again, as the crises, medical or accidental, of life bring me to a place of reflection and evaluation of values, I see that my daughter is so important to my well being that I am overwhelmed when I think how close she came to very severe injury. Thank goodness she is "merely" in a lot of pain from many bruises. I cannot imagine being as satisfied with life if I did not have my family life. It's as simple as that. If that does not make sense to you, then there is no need for you to pursue a relationship and children, but if it does, then I hope no women of science will deny themselves something I find so important.
cheers,
Laura Hoopes
Your poll leaves out a small but important group--people who are workaholics and also have a family. I work very hard with active field and lab research programs, but also have two wonderful children. It is possible to do both. Work and family are not 'either-or' propositions. Maybe you should add more choices?
--Interested female biology professor
I know some people like that as well Jennifer, and it is very sad for those folks who forgot to take care of those goals.
The good news to me is that when I talk to undergraduates today they have a very forward thinking outlook compared to my generation (I'm 41). They ask a lot of questions about work/life balance, and they don't let academics off the hook when they give an answer that doesn't satisfy them. And most exciting? Both the men and women do this!
The downside is that we may have a dearth of Americans wanting to pursue a PhD in the sciences in the coming years because they don't feel there is a place for those who want a family. The good news is that those that do chose to obtain a PhD in science have much clearer expectations for their training and careers. Since those expectations include a family perhaps real cultural change in academic science will come about over the next few decades.
Now that I have a child it has completely changed my perspective and forced a balance in my life. I cannot imagine not being a mom. That said, I don't regret waiting until my late 30s to start a family (we chose adoption from the beginning, so my biological clock was never an issue).
I have friends who chose not to have children and who lead happy, balanced lives. But I also know people who did not have a family because of their science and that doesn't seem right to me.
I once had a scientist friend who was married, and in her mid 40s said something along the lines of "I guess I forgot to have children".
Although people often write out the same top 5 values when asked to do so, once you ask them to rank order those values (in terms of what they would give up to have something else on the list) you get a very different priority.
However that exercise comes out for an individual as regards their science v. family, what counts is that they live according to those values. It's really the only way to be happy. I have tried denying my desire for a family to pursue science first, and it didn't work for me. I've seen colleagues try to put family up front when really the science mattered most. They certainly weren't happy either. There's a place for both sides once you know how you rank order the important values in your life. And of course don't try to change yourself to suit some external ideal, especially if you are a woman who doesn't desire a family and are bucking society's expectations.
I can't imagine my life without my children. Family and commitments outside of work keep me sane. I don't think making the choice to have children derailed my career, rather it helped focus it. I suppose one could say that I was forced to put my career "in a box" where it couldn't expand to completely overwhelm my life, and when I was in that box I was completely inside that box.
That being said, I know successful women who have chosen not to have children. I am happy to report that the most successful do have a busy life outside of work and interact with their extended families and friends almost more than those women with children; they have found their own balance.
Laura I hope your daughter is recovering well. It's scary when our kids are at risk, for sure!
Hi Postdoc cat,
I agree. I hope we are all working on this issue locally. When I went to interview Joan Steitz for the biography I'm working on, she told me she had donated a great deal of her prize money from various awards to facilitate more child care for women at Yale. If we all act locally, though verbal, activist, or financial support for child care initiatives to support postdocs and graduate students, it would be a big help.
cheers,
Laura
Hi Laura,
I'm like the ones who wanted to know, "Can I be a scientist and also have a family?" It is important to me to know I haven't closed that door when I chose science. Thanks! I do wish there was more support for postdocs who have kids (day care, paid leave).
I'm glad you aren't trying to exclude people who love science alone, Laura. I am in the camp of having a relationship but not children, at least at present. Yes, I know about biological clocks, but there is adoption to consider. And I am not sure it would be fair to children to have a schedule like mine and have kids. And I may be too selfish? I don't know. I'm glad you enjoy your kids, though. FBP
