All years adjusted to Beta Universal Reference Time.

−103517: 5/5 STARS

Indestructible! The octocopter dropped it on the way from the implantation clinic and then a pizza delivery drone ran it over. Decanted a healthy human kiddo just yesterday. [Typos, brevity, and internal contradictions courtesy of my MindDirectUpload]

−103426: 5/5 STARS

With its customizable options for incubating all sorts of species, the Repro-Pro is PERFECT for hacking. In my latest HoloWeb reel, I use it to prepare the perfect baozi! (link in bio)

−103423: 0/5 STARS

I tried the recipe but I didn’t have flour or Earth meat so I used Orion rye and Kaeifygzr extract. The baozi looked and smelled like the hideous love child of an Andromedan and a barf bag. I WANT A REFUND!!!!!!!!!!!!

−103400: 3/5 STARS

This machine allowed our lineage to avoid an embarrassing extinction caused by a life form with an enthusiastic affinity for consuming our reproductive tissues. However, our genes evolve rapidly & thus after approximately 37 generations of relying on this aid, we have lost our ability to transfer gametes and reproduce our lineage using our flesh. On the one tentacle, we are now unable to reproduce without aid. On the twentieth tentacle, there is much to be said socially and medically for the decoupling of coitus from reproduction. For these reasons, we give this technological contrivance a mixed estimation.

−103225: 5/5 STARS

This system complies with, and indeed surpasses, the Solar System Department of Exploration’s standards (45 DES 46 §46.501). We contracted with the manufacturers for 100 units on a long-term habitable worlds survey (due to time dilation effects, it is necessary to plan for at least five generations per expedition). We are pleased to report that the systems performed to expectations. In addition, during a period of critical power failure due to a collision with an asteroid field, 25 active units were put into stasis while the vessel commenced self-repair. Healthy individuals were birthed after a stasis time of approximately 75 years (adjusted for local space-time effects). Highly recommended.

−103217: 3/5 STARS

after your podmate dumps you just because you DARED to suggest you MIGHT want to spawn in the Thousand Teeth Nebula instead of on the Manifold Mandibles Megamoon, it doubles as a pretty good bucket for your tears. for the non-c’x’w’yyyy’’nnrs out there, bear in mind that my tears are radioactive acid and ate through most of my hive that night but the product came through great. UNLIKE MY RELATIONSHIP

−103124: 4/5 STARS

A botanist’s dream, this unit’s stasis function also works on non-seeding plants that only grow in the radioactive swamps of Sludge-a-roid VIII (yes, that’s the real name. that’s what happens when you let a middle school name a planet system.)

−103101: 2/5 STARS

dropped the box and it broke my foot fml

−103080: 5/5 STARS

Tiny enough to take on a robot-powered zoological exploration trip and robust enough to survive after the ship was ingested by fauna inside an exotic space-time field. On that note, “Worms of the Wormhole” is now showing at the Smithsonian Cosmic Exploration Museum!

−102967: ???/5 STARS

I don’t know why I’m wasting my time on a review site when THE UNIVERSE IS ENDING but wtf else is there to do with my time? i don’t understand it but the scientists of every sentient species agree. something something instability death brane collapse???? HWATEFVER, ig this is the end

some sentients don’t feel this way though. i saw on the news that scientists from 100 galaxies are rounding up every one of these units that they can and putting embryos and seeds and idk what else in there. some kind of ark type thing I guess? with nanobots to do whatever needs doing until civilization is rebuilt. like, apparently this thing is small enough to get through a rip in our universe and MAYBE survive in another one

i always wanted kids. could never have one. saved up for this thing. and well. i guess i’ll be giving up my unit. even if i wanted to make my own kid in it, what would the point be at this point.

goodbye, kid. goodbye, kids. goodbye, us.

−102934: 5/5 STARS

Captain’s log. I made baozi in one of these units a few years ago as a test run before putting in all the gametes. Baozi freeze great. Now I’m eating one and writing a review and watching the universe end from the observatory window. It takes longer than you think it would. The sky gets all … [error: data lost]

+1895: 5/5 Stars

I have been told that it is the work of a sentimental fool with too much space-time on their appendages to scavenge and rebuild a server from the ruins of another universe for the sole purpose of writing a message that no one will ever read.

I do not care. But if I feel the need to justify myself, I think that perhaps an echo of you exists in another universe. Perhaps if I broadcast this message on every frequency, in every direction, it will one day reach one of you.

But even if that is a cosmic impossibility, it does not matter. You made your effort to ensure our existence; I will make my effort to acknowledge you.

You made it. In fact, you made all of us.

As a final note, the last user of the unit that grew my family, leading to my birth, left a pre-programmed surprise before they donated it. I can thus say with confidence:

The Repro-Pro really does make good baozi.