Galactic Empire Management Consulting: lessons learnt

Journal name:
Nature
Volume:
538,
Page:
284
Date published:
DOI:
doi:10.1038/538284a
Published online

Prepare for excellence!

Illustration by Jacey

Hi everyone! I'm a senior consultant with Galactic Empire Management Consulting. I've been brought on board to analyse the previous project's failure and to help bring the new project back on schedule. We have a tight deadline, but I'm sure if we all work together we can achieve those key milestones! I look forward to working with all of you!

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I'd appreciate it if everyone took a few minutes to answer the attached survey questions. We're undertaking an Organizational Culture Inventory (OCI) of the Empire's workforce. It's widely recognized that workplace culture underpins everything we do, including how we approach our work and interact with each other. Improving workplace culture can help us innovate and succeed as an organization.

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After conducting a preliminary review, it looks as though the new project has failed to learn from previous mistakes. In our experience, when it comes to integrating new planets into an empire, building a planet-destroying space station is simply not cost efficient. Other clients have achieved greater results through building hospitals, schools and cultural centres. Our initial report also highlights key failures in process management and threat assessment. I trust you'll all make time to thoroughly review the document. Also, please note, as of Wednesday, the use of emoji will no longer be permitted in work-related messages.

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I've uncovered disturbing reports about staff being discriminated against due to their lack of faith. I'd like to remind everyone that religious discrimination in the workplace will absolutely not be tolerated. I'll be scheduling a series of mandatory sensitivity training workshops over the next couple of weeks.

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A happy workplace is a productive workplace! When one of your co-workers helps you, remember to let them know you appreciate their actions. You now have the opportunity to thank your colleagues by using the attached Thank You Template! Not only will recipients love getting your thanks, but you also have the chance to win one of five cantina voucher rewards in a monthly draw!

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After reviewing a number of military supplier contracts and conducting an analysis of key battle performance reports, we've reached the conclusion that supplier claims about the accuracy of their weapons reducing the need for troop training have been exaggerated. As a first step to ensuring our armed forces maintain their famed combat excellence, we recommend a complete systems upgrade of the imperial personnel training database.

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It is with great disappointment that I inform you that members of the engineering division have been disciplined for posting criticisms of the project's revised work schedule on social media. The new schedule was developed with the input of leading business analysts and experienced project managers and is entirely achievable. I shouldn't have to remind staff that the new schedule has the Emperor's approval. I'll also take this opportunity to reiterate that staff need to seek management approval before posting on social media.

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I'd like to remind middle management that summary termination of staff must receive approval from the Executive Leadership Team. We don't want to risk violating workplace agreements that could render the Empire liable to compensation claims and industrial action.

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Please find attached an updated version of the imperial guide to using the tractor beam. This guide has been developed in consultation with the beam's manufacturer, along with workplace safety experts. Staff are reminded that using the tractor beam for personal reasons is strictly prohibited.

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An analysis of the imperial performance-based pay system has discovered the practice of rewarding staff with bonuses for subduing rebel systems has led to staff abusing this system. Some staff have been found guilty of encouraging newly integrated planets to embark on a rebellion, then reconquering them to claim the bonus multiple times. Pending further review, this pay bonus has been discontinued.

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Our new values are here! I'm pleased to share the Empire's new values: Service Excellence, Ownership, Teamwork and Wellbeing. These have been developed by the Executive Leadership Team based on feedback provided by staff. These values will help clarify our mission to bring peace and prosperity to all of the Galaxy. I encourage you all to reflect on our new values and consider how you can bring them to life through your behaviours. We will be asking for your thoughts and input on behaviours over the coming weeks.

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Engineering staff are reminded to regularly change their password. It is vitally important that classified documents do not fall into the wrong hands.

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The Empire has raised the Imperial Terrorism Public Alert Level from medium to high. In response to this heightened security alert level, the Executive Leadership Team has mandated the use of colour-coded security badges for all staff, contractors and visitors entering imperial work bases. The badges are coded as follows: blue for members of the imperial armed forces, red for contractors and bounty hunters, and yellow for visitors. Thank you for your cooperation.

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Your feedback is requested on the three finalists in the Design a New Imperial Logo contest. The winner will have the honour of seeing their design emblazoned on imperial spacecraft and military uniforms.

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Please find attached the final report on the failures of the previous project. In my experience, these reports are regrettably often ignored, but I hope you will take the time to thoroughly review it and implement its recommendations. The fate of the Galaxy is in your hands! Thank you for all your support and have a great day!

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Affiliations

  1. Aidan Doyle is an Australian writer and computer programmer. He has visited more than 90 countries and his experiences include teaching English in Japan, interviewing ninjas in Bolivia and going ten-pin bowling in North Korea.

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